A Prayer to Mata Rani

We received our surrogate profiles today. We hope to use two surrogates, but that depends on how many embies we get and their quality. So far, we know our donor is doing quite well - the CD9 scan showed 7-8 follicles and we're hopeful they'll mature and fertilise into lovely embies. I'm not sure when egg retrieval is, but I imagine it'll be around Thursday or Friday.

One of our surrogates wrote a beautiful message at the bottom of her profile, which really got me thinking. She said she'd pray to Goddess Mata Rani for us and that she hopes we have twins. I didn't know who Mata Rani was, so I did a bit of research and discovered that Mata Rani is a manifestation of the Mother Goddess. Hinduism is very confusing, as there are so many manifestations of Gods and Goddesses, but as I understand it, the Mother Goddess (sometimes referred to as Maa, sometimes Devi) is considered to be the Absolute Energy of the Universe and takes on many forms. I'm not sure what the manifestation of Rani is, but I know it involves singing and a beautiful woman on the back of a lion who is all-knowing, kind and who showers her blessings on all of her devotees.

If you have the time and the inclination, please enjoy this youtube vid of Amma Bhajan singing to Mata Rani, filmed in several locations across India (and oddly enough, Melbourne!).

I'll keep you posted.

Getting closer now

Our dear D leaves for India today. She'll have her scan when she arrives, which'll tell us how many eggs to expect.

I'm hoping for a nice middle-of-the-road number. Just like Goldilocks, I'll be aiming for a figure that's not too big and not too small, but one that's just right.

My stomach is starting to turn and my head is beginning to spin.

I'm praying for a miracle!!!!

we're cycling again

Our donor started her meds a couple of days ago and she heads over to India towards the end of the week. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. But I'm also very hopeful that things will work out this time. And I know that if they don't, we'll survive. We'll be sad for a while, but we'll survive.

I'll let you know what happens re egg pick up as soon as I know! Keep your fingers crossed for us, surro family!

x

thank you, surro family

Thanks for your comments, everyone. Your support and love means so much to me. I am blessed to have you in my life. THANK YOU.

Timmy arrived home yesterday, a little tired but quite excited. He's really impressed with Dr Shivani and the set up at Phoenix hospital. He also said that Delhi is a lot quieter than Mumbai and much cheaper. So far so good!

Now we just have to wait a few more weeks, then a couple more after that, then hopefully 9 months. I am really eager to start now. My patience (what little I had) is beginning to wear thin!

But there's plenty of other stuff to keep me going in the interim. There are reports to write, exams to mark and end of year celebrations to be had.

It was so good to have Timmy home again last night and the thought did cross my mind that our house is already so full of love, asking for any more feels a bit greedy. But then I remembered that there's no such thing as 'too much love'. Bring it on, I say! I want to drown in endorphins.

x

Tim's in India!

Yep, that's right. He left this afternoon and he'll be home again on Wednesday. Not very long, but certainly long enough to perform his important husbandly duties...in a cup. :)

We're trying again. We've saved up some money and we've done a lot of research and we've decided to go with Dr Shivani at Phoenix Hospital in Delhi. She's been amazing and we feel really confident about our decision. We've chosen a wonderful new egg donor (one that is proven, this time) and she arrives in India early December. So we're mere weeks away from our fourth (and hopefully final) attempt.

!!!

To say I'm excited and nervous is an understatement. These past three or four months have gone quite slowly, and now that we're nearly there, I just want to get things started. But then I remind myself, this isn't a race, and waiting isn't deadly. It will happen, and Timmy is on the other side of the world making sure we get off to the very best start we can.

GO TIMMY, GO!!!

ps - I saw Fantastic Mr Fox today. It was... well...FANTASTIC!!

A prayer for Natalia

My dear friend Sarah has recently turned my attention to a member of our surrogacy family who's not very well. Natalia has CF and is on the waiting list for a lung transplant.

Please say a prayer for Natalia and do whatever you can do to raise people's awareness of organ donation.

She is such a beautiful, brave woman and I hope with all my heart that she gets her lungs soon.

xxx

A Week Away

I've just come back from year 7 camp. It was the first school camp I've ever been on and it was EXHAUSTING!

Course, it didn't help that we were experiencing a heatwave at the time, with 35+ days and lots of outside, physical activities. I was in charge of the Flying Fox for most of the time and had to collect students as they flew down the cable. Course, I had to climb a ladder to do so, cause they were left dangling in mid-air, and all of this was done in the full sun. Argh!!! What a nightmare.

The heatwave aside, it was pretty fun. I enjoyed hanging out with the girls in a less official capacity and it was great to share weird and random moments with my fellow teachers. For example, one of the girls was unwell and lying in bed. We asked her what was wrong and she simply said "I'm allergic to the bush".

It's how we all felt, I suspect.

Happy Birthday, Blog

It's one year to the day since I wrote my first blog post. I'd been researching for a lot longer than that, but today marks the first anniversary of my adventures in Surrogacy Blogland.

I thought I'd be pregnant by now. In fact, I thought I'd be on my way to picking up my babies. Or at the very least, in the second trimester of my second attempt, or the first trimester of my third. Funny how things don't go according to plan.

It's only in the past few months that I've been able to look beyond the urgency of baby-making and start enjoying the gift of life again. Of course surrogacy is never far from my mind, but at least I'm not wishing my life away, as I was earlier this year.

It's so reassuring to see people succeed in their journey, but it hurts a lot, too. That's a terrible thing to admit, but I think it's really important to be honest about these things. On the one hand, I am incredibly happy for my friends, but there are questions still hanging over my future and I won't be able to enjoy their news fully until I know what Fate has in store for me.

Will it work for us next time? Will I ever be able to stop worrying?

This is not the post I had hoped to write. Dear friends, forgive my melancholy. It's only temporary.

Anyone got a Map of Tassie?

It's my darling boy's birthday today. And despite having a Faculty meeting after school (yawn), I'm going to cook him a lasagna and a birthday cake when I get home. He knows about the lasagna (his request) but the cake will be a surprise. It's his only birthday present from me this year, but one given with lots of love.

My mum's been an angel and organised a mini-break for us to Tasmania as our combined birthday gift. Tim and I will leave Friday night and meet my mum, uncle and aunty over there. We'll have the first night to ourselves before they join us.

I can't wait to get on a plane and have a few days off. I also can't wait to see my mummy. It's been over six months since I've seen her. WAY TOO LONG! Especially as there's been so much crap between visits. I've been getting more and more excited as the week's progressed and now I can finally say "only a few more sleeps till I see my Mum!"

Dreams of babies and surrogacy still occupy my thoughts much of the time, but they're a lot quieter now. I've finally learnt the art of patience.

yeah, right...lol

x

the last day as a free woman

The clocks have been put forward an hour today, ensuring the very last day of my school holiday is that much shorter. What a shame. These past three weeks have been too good to be true.

I've been hanging out with Layfie heaps. I bought him a wonderful book called 'We're Going on a Bear Hunt', which he really responded to. It's got a repetitive phonetic structure and is great to read aloud. This is the first book I've noticed him really interact with. He's been reading lines as I've prompted him, which has been awesome for both of us. I highly recommend this book for your little ones - it'll keep them entertained for hours and hours and hours and help them understand the concept of reading.

Last night I caught up with a long lost friend. We had drifted apart years ago, when I moved to the UK, but we're both living in the same city now, and all credit to him, he called me up a couple of weeks ago to 'reconnect' and get the friendship back on track. It was a bit awkward at first, but we spent the night talking about everything we'd been through and when he left, I felt like there may be a future for our friendship. Things were not great between us when I left Perth, and it was good to talk through some things and explore our feelings. It made us both feel mature and sensible and made us realise how important we are to each other. (And before you get the wrong idea, he's gay, so there!).

While I was catching up with my mate, Timmy was reading the news. He did such a great job, and Maty and I watched on nervously and giggled at Timmy's ultra-sharp mannerisms and occasional jiggles in his seat. He's just so good at what he does - we were both extremely proud, watching him.

As for surrogacy stuff, I've no news to report I'm afraid. We're waiting for our bank account to swell, then it'll be all systems go. That means lots of soup and beans for the next few months. Hopefully that'll help with my diet!

So, wish me luck with school tomorrow. I'll be dragging my heals, that's for sure. The smell of summer is in the air, and who wants to be stuck in the classroom, when you could be out enjoying the sunshine!

Some much needed R&R

What wonderful friends I have. First, my girlfriend asked if we would like to stay at her mum's beach house for a week, while she and her mum visited Vietnam together. Then another friend insisted we borrow her car for the journey, as we don't have our own.

Two very special gifts from lovely women that have touched my heart and given Tim and me the break we so badly needed. Thanks girls...I love ya both :)

And what a week it was. We had blue skies most days, and spent our time walking along the beach with our beloved doggy and talking about everything. We didn't talk much about babies - we're both taking a break from that for a while. But we did enjoy each other's company more than words can say and came back feeling happy and relaxed.

I visited my brother as soon as we got back and he said - Wow, Jojo, you look so relaxed! And we are. Lil Layfie Loo wanted to be cuddled continuously and was excited to show me his new underpants...no more nappies for him!




Timmy and Muppsie patiently wait for my return



A lovely lunch by the bay



My beloved family

If

Our year 12 girls had their farewell dinner tonight. It was touching and I must admit I cried when this poem was read by our Head Teacher. I thought some of you might appreciate it, as it really applies to all of us and what we're going through.

It's by Rudyard Kipling, a very famous writer born in Mumbai.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Love Luke Chueh

He's one of my favourite artists. And I've always loved this painting the most - it's called 'The Queen is Dead'.

Anyway, here it is here. Let's just say i can relate to it now in ways I never thought I'd have to.

from the mouth of babes

My SIL told me a story today that I think you'll appreciate:

Last night, my brother said to Layfie "you're beautiful." Then he asked him, "do you know who else is beautiful?" And Layfie shook his head. "Mummy is beautiful, and so is baby Olive," my brother replied.

Layfie had a think for a moment and said "I know, I know, I know who else is beautiful...My JoJo is beautiful."

These are the moments that give me strength and break my heart, all at the same time.

haha - this is fun!

xxx

˙pooƃ slǝǝɟ

˙sǝƃɐ uı lɐıɔos uǝǝq ǝʌ,ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɹıɟ ǝɥʇ ˙ɹǝuuıp ɹoɟ ɹǝʌo spuǝıɹɟ ƃuıʌɐɥ ɯ,ı ˙puǝʞǝǝʍ pooƃ ɐ ƃuıʌɐɥ llɐ ǝɹ,noʎ ǝdoɥ

¡ʇı ǝʌol ı ˙sıɥʇ op oʇ ʍoɥ ǝɯ pǝʍoɥs spuǝıɹɟ ʎɯ ɟo ǝuo

ps - if u want to flip your own text, go here: http://www.en.fliptext.net/

Year 32

Every year, a friend of mine writes a 'state of address' diary entry on his birthday, providing a comprehensive and somewhat poetic account of his life to that date. I thought this birthday (of all birthdays) would be a good time to start my own version. Some of it may be poignant, some prosaic, but all of it will be truthful.

Waking up:
On the 11,680th day of my life, I woke up to an empty house, save for the dog, who was standing at her doggy door, waiting to be let out. Tim was at the gym, so I jumped in the shower and turned up the heat. After a long morning hug that made me late for my tram, I finally made it to work. My girlfriend welcomed me with another heartfelt embrace and I knew my day was already complete.

As this was going on, 23 12 year old girls sat giggling in the darkness, waiting for me to come to class. They showered me with streamers and balloons and force fed me chocolate cake. Even now, locked away in my office, I can see two of them wandering the hallway, wearing paper hats and waving at me with streamers. They will use my birthday as an excuse to muck around all day, and I won't mind at all. Neither will their other teachers.

Working:
I work at a posh girls school in inner Melbourne. I teach the daughters of doctors, lawyers and minor celebrities. I love teaching. I love trying to make the light bulbs glow above my students' heads. I love finding new ways to get through to them. I also love standing at the front of the class being nothing but myself, knowing that I have a unique relaionship with every one of the 100+ girls I teach. I don't enjoy telling them off, but I'm getting better at it. I don't enjoy the girls' boredom - I take it too personally. I will use slapstick if I have to to keep them entertained. Sometimes, I say swear words to shock them and later lose sleep over the abusive phonecalls I will receive from their mothers. But it's worth it - I wouldn't change a thing. I prefer naughty girls to nice girls and I love the girls the other teachers hate.

Loving:
I have been living with my husband for 13 and a half years. Last night, we reminisced about the early days and the first time we met. We used to make up our own love songs and sing them to each other till 4 in the morning. We were living with my mum and dad at the time, and my poor mum would knock on my door to ask if we could please be quiet so she could get some sleep. Apparenlty I met Tim two months before we 'officially met', at an Urge Overkill gig. After we'd been together a while, he confessed that he'd been stalking me a bit. He could recall places I'd been and who I was with. It was romantic and amazing to think that Tim knew me before we met. He is now and will always be the first person I want to share secrets with, the one who can make all the stress fall from my shoulders, the one who carries me. He is also humble and handsome and honourable. He is My Timothy.

Family:
Last night, I learnt that my brother will definitely be moving back home in December. This morning, he left a message on my voicemail that made me cry. He sang happy birthday to me the whole way through and told me how much he loves me. I will miss my brother so much as he is my best friend. And his children are the closest thing I have to pure perfection. My nephew has recently started calling me My JoJo. I wonder whether he'll remember me when he leaves. The only thing that stops me feeling real pity for myself is knowing that my mum will finally get to be a proper nanna. I think that means I'm finally a grown-up.

Living:
I am trying to have a baby. I have been trying to have a baby for six months but I have wanted a baby for much longer than that. The Black Saturday bushfires will always remind me of our first attempt. Our baby would have been born on Remembrance Day and from now on, the one minute silence will take on new meaning for me. I am hoping to try again before the latter date arrives, but it is tricky organising surrogacy in India. There are so many thoughts and confused feelings going through my mind. Hopefully it'll work out this year and we will achieve our dream.

Other Offerings:
Tim and I have been hermits this year and I have spent most of 2009 asleep. I looked up at the sky the other day and realised that we're approaching Spring. After losing 3 dream-babies, I have finally woken up and want to live again in the moment. On my way to work today, I saw white blossoms and a single perfect lily. I also saw the number 69 and comically offensive graffiti. Tonight I will make a nice dinner and talk on the phone until husband comes home. Then I will spend the rest of the evening glued to his side watching TV and cuddling our doggy.

I'm Back!

Can't keep a good woman down for long. Am I right??

I've been a busy little bee. Hatching plans and making schemes. Bzzzzzzz.

It's my birthday tomorrow. This time last week I thought I'd sleep right through it, but today I am happier than ever. Content, awake, focused and calm.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashs, I will make this dream a reality.

Love to you all!

xxx

A bit of a mess

Firstly, thanks for all your comments and virtual hugs. I wish things could have been different for us, and we could share some exciting, happy news with you all, but it is what it is.

Timmy and I both took yesterday off work and we moped around the house. Sometimes sleeping, sometimes watching telly, sometimes eating, sometimes cuddling...and sometimes just staring off into space. Most of you know what it feels like. Even if you haven't been through a negative or a miscarriage, unfortunately most of us have had some bad news to deal with at one time or another.

My heart feels like it's got a hole in it. I feel empty and a bit sick, and like I've forgotten something. Like there's something horrible waiting for me around the corner, only I don't quite know what it is. Then I remember, and the cycle repeats.

We're not sure what we're going to do now. We need time to re-group and figure out how we're going to raise some extra money. So far, we've spent about $50,000 and have nothing to show for it. We felt so sure that Oh Christine! was the one. Part of me still believes that she was meant for us, but for various reasons, it hasn't worked and we'll have to figure out what plan D looks like and how we'll achieve it.

We've agreed that we'll move out of our home and rent somewhere cheaper. This will give us more money at tax time, as we'll be able to claim the interest back on our loan. Tim's also due for a pay rise at the beginning of next year, so that should help us along a bit. Who knows...I might try to write that children's book I've always threatened to write, or sell some craft on etsy. Where there's a will there's a way and I know one thing's for sure - we'll try for as long as we possibly can. And then we'll probably try some more.

I'm back at work today. I cried like a girl during morning briefing, which is most unlike me. I just couldn't keep it in. I went to see my Head of School straight after and explained to her what was happening. I haven't told anyone at work about this before, because I'm a really private person, but I've reached saturation point and I knew I had to let management know. She was very caring and concerned, and I feel like some of the pressure's been taken off me. At least we'll be moving into Spring soon. The sun will come out for longer and the days will get warmer and I'll feel much happier about my place in the world cause my serotonin levels will increase. :)

I have been reading your blogs, friends. And I'm happy for your successes and your news. I just need a bit of time before I can get fully involved again.

So with that said, I'm going to say goodbye for a little while. Hopefully when you hear from me again, I'll have some better news to share. Good luck with your pregnancies - I think of you every day.

See you in a couple of weeks.

Love you lots, jojo xxx

it didn't work

i have no words

x

ahh, nice